Sal's Site
The memoir Her Second Husband by Archer Cook was the surprise read of 2024 for me. It’s about “a husband who lived through an abusive relationship” with a woman named Hildegard. I thought at first this was an odd premise for someone’s life story, but as I delved into Cook’s world, I saw how his marriage to this woman completely upended his life for the worse – and how the telling of it was therapeutic for him and could help other people, men and women alike.
“There are so many things I would change if I could,” Cook told me via email in early 2025. “Not getting married in the first place is numero uno! I made the choices I made, however, and I have to live with them.”
Here’s more from Cook about his book and another one he has got in the works.
Why did you write Her Second Husband?
I wrote this book for personal therapy. After being diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, it was suggested, through therapy, that I write about my issues. After two years of writing, I compiled all that I had jotted down into book form. I also wanted to help those like myself who had to deal with situations similar to mine. I don’t necessarily want anyone to medicate themselves the way I did, but to point out that there is hope and help out there, and to not just deal with your problems on your own.
You didn’t have an ideal upbringing, but I found it touching that religion was such a major part of your life growing up. How did it feel as you got older to lose touch with God, and how did it feel to reconnect with God when you eventually turned your life around for the better?
I went to church my entire life. I didn’t know any different. I’m thankful I didn’t have as difficult an upbringing as some others, but I don’t feel I was prepared for the “real world” in any way, shape, or form. When I got away from religion, I felt free from oppression; however, it was very difficult for me to overcome the nagging guilt always hanging over me. This guilt affected almost every aspect of my being, and in a way, when I was at my worst, I was fighting with not only my ex-wife, but also my God. I still believed, but I wanted nothing to do with anything religious. When I started going back to church a few years ago, I found it relieving to be able to rebuild and feel forgiveness … a second chance, if you will. I realized my hatred for Hildegard was only hurting me and my current family and did nothing good for us. The day I let go was one of the most restorative days of my life.
I noticed dichotomies in your personality as I read the book, making it hard for me at times to peg you as a person. Was that by design or was it just what came out as you wrote your story?
This question made me reflect greatly on who I was versus who I am today. When I was a kid, I was who I was raised to be: a Christian with a good moral compass and a goal to reach others for God. I was fun-loving and a genuinely good person, but I was gullible and ignorant. When I was 19 to 21, I lived three different lives: I was a servant of the church; I was a good person at work, but not necessarily Christian; for the rest of the time, I was me. I generally could be whoever people wanted me to be. When I got married, I honestly had no clue who I really was. After I stopped going to church, I was just the guy who went to work and a husband and father. After leaving my wife, I battled with depression and anxiety, but I chased my pain with alcohol and partying. It wasn’t until 2005 when I finally started being myself, or at least realizing who I am. I’ve made a few changes since then, but everything has been an improvement and building on my character instead of regressing as I had before.
You shared quite a bit about when you used to party a lot and some of the trouble that ensued. Do you think you were an alcoholic or just someone who liked to have fun and took things too far too often?
Alcoholism is defined as a chronic disease characterized by uncontrolled drinking and preoccupation with alcohol. I was not in control during my “recovery” period during separation. I even went through withdrawal symptoms when I went to Afghanistan, and as soon as I was able, I started drinking again. I believe I struggled with alcoholism. I am one of the weird ones who still drinks on occasion, but I do not get drunk or allow alcohol to control my life anymore. Socializing was instrumental in my recovery. I honestly have no idea the path I would have went down if I did not find friends, some of whom would have been lifelong friends had alcohol not been such a central part of our activities.
I have an old friend who had a not-so-great stepmom he didn’t like all that much, and yet his stepmom played a big part in influencing him to go to college and make something of his life. Do you have a similarly positive thing you can say about your ex-wife who treated you so badly?
I think Hildegard pushed me into joining the Air Force. I probably would have gone from one job to the next, barely making ends meet, had I not joined the military. I made a career out of my military service and still serve my country working for the government after retirement. Being in the military is also a framework for my personality today. We are a special breed of people and there are some unique characteristics – like “embrace the suck” – that are generally reserved for active-duty personnel.
I loved how you treated your stepson, Peter, as if you were both related by blood. Why is that?
From day one, I loved that kid. It was easy letting him into my life. When offered the opportunity to adopt, I jumped on it. It just felt right.
Your next book is about Peter. Would you like to say anything about that?
Peter lived through something no child should ever live through. He was manipulated and abused just like all the other men in Hildegard’s life. When I first started rebuilding the relationship with him, I never spoke ill of Hildegard. He told me stories about things she had done to him, and they matched the things that happened to me. There is no way he would be able to make those things up. When I told him I lived through the same terrors, it strengthened our bond. When we met his biological father, we found out the pattern of Hildegard’s mistreatments began with him … as far as we know. The book will focus on his life after I left Germany and the events he had to live through. It is the most difficult thing I have ever written in my life. I wasn’t there, and I am referring to myself as “the guy who wasn’t there.” It breaks my heart he had to live the way he did.
Your stories about where you used to live while living abroad in the Air Force are pretty vivid, everything from the scenery to the dialogue of your encounters. How did you pull together this material as you were writing the book?
I remember everything from those trips. I have some pictures and I looked up some of the locations on Google to remind me of the scenery, but I really remember it as if it happened recently. I have told a lot of these stories to new friends and acquaintances on multiple occasions as well. One of my audience’s favorites was always the one where I ripped my shirt and the guy called me “Crazy Art.” It gets a big laugh every time. The conversations are the best I could come up with from my memory, and I believe they are pretty close, give or take. There are many stories I could have told, but I stuck with the ones that defined me and kept within the outline of the story.
I was riveted by the narrative you related about how you and your fellow crew chiefs prepped numerous jets for flight during a time of heavy combat in Afghanistan one day. What are some things you’d like to say about Afghanistan and your military career as you look back on it?
The first trip to Afghanistan was very eventful. I count myself blessed I didn’t have to go outside the wire to fight the way the Marines and Army had to. I had an M-16, but I never had to fire it. Our biggest danger was during the night – we would be attacked via mortar fire. The enemy would set the mortar rounds to drop on a timer and leave the area, so it was virtually impossible to stop the attack or predict the next one. It got to the point where sometimes we wouldn’t even go to the bunker because it was inconvenient … I know …stupid.
We worked hard for six months on making sure our airplanes were mission ready. Those pilots went through a lot. Our Army and Marines simply loved the A10 and respected us and the work we did to get them in the air. I could probably write an entire book on my three trips to Afghanistan, but honestly, the majority of the time, we performed maintenance and then went to sleep, then did the same thing the next day.
It was my impression that forming meaningful relationships with friends is something that has always been important to you. Why is that?
I have always been social. I love people and getting to know them. I’ve always wanted to be surrounded by people I love and people that love me. I think my family has something to do with this. I wasn’t abused by my mother and father, but I definitely didn’t feel a connection with them or my siblings, so I sought that connection elsewhere. I was very popular through eighth grade in both church and school. I hadn’t faced any adversity outside my own family until going to high school and being cursed out. I was very popular in college and loved the attention. I was well liked until going to Germany, where I faced McDaniel and his gang. After leaving Hildegard, I formed a friend group rather quickly and was always held in the highest esteem. While I don’t have many friends left over from my time in Germany, I have many lifelong friends now through my established relationships here in Louisiana.